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TheHoopsProphet
07-22-2011, 01:08 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J4nHDTYgKoc&feature=player_detailpage


Since his eminence in the 2002 NBA Draft, Yao Ming has been perceived as a benign individual. A real softie in a heart that was as big as him. Especially since he was enveloped by professional athletes in Western culture who have routinely put money and fame before the passion for the game itself.

When he recently announced his retirement in the professional league of basketball-bouncing, the media responded with a sentimental pang, proud to have been there to watch his part in the semi-resurgence of the Houston Rockets not seen since Akeem “Mocah Alond Fudge Ice Cream” Olajuwon but also lamenting over the prospect of what he could have been if not for his papier-mâché ankles.

But after watching a translated live recording of his official announcement of retirement to the global media, I couldn’t help but wonder, who exactly is this self-proclaimed, “gentile giant”? Have we been stumped by his big eyes and sexy hair? During his retirement, Yao finally spilled out what he had been bottling up inside all of these years, revealing a very, very dark side to a very dark man who should never be left in a room alone with any of our children. I once wanted to share a beer with him, but now if I ever see this homicidal wreck take a seat on a bar stool next to me, I’ll be damned sure to slam my bottle against the ledge of the bar and brandish it towards his neck until the blood-thirsty beast is out of my site!

Here is the transcript. I bolded the parts which he alludes to the dark confessions and thoughts he’s imprisoned in his mind. The beginning starts off in a daze of confusion, but still pretty innocuous:

Announcer: And welcome Yao Ming, a super basketball star from Shanghai Shark, China National Team, Houston Rocket, and CBNNB all-star team, Yao Ming:

"Uh, leaders and uh, friends, and uh, the press uh........welcome everybody. Today is a very important day for me, not only to me, and uh to the uh my the uh basket career and my future development....it has a special meaning. La- e - at the end of the last year - my ladder fool has a third of fractions so I had to leave dah-yuh basketball feel the soul for the hobbit year I try, I was in the wanking thus like many friends of my so I had uh been thinking. (will not bother and attempt to interpret this)

0:50

So today I need to make a personal decision as A BASKETBALL the player, A-ha! I will stop my uh career - basketball career - and I will formerly retire. TODAY! Thinking of the back and thinking of the future I have ah I have been very grateful, first of of all I need to grip, to be grateful to the basketball. It has bring happiness to many people including myself, I had my first uh basketball in the force and with the knives I went into the school (was Yao Ming one of those Colombine-kids? Who was he planning to cut with those knives??) and du, and 14 I was in the junior team member, and at 6, and the 16 I was a Shanghai team player, it was my father's number. And so everytime I look at my fathers and mothers and I feel war-ish, happy (Did he have military parents? Did they have him recite Maoism philosophies at the dinner table?). And uh, it was my pleasure that we had a-uh a champagne ship for the Shanghai Sharks. And the same year when I entered NBA.

1:49

Basketball make me into a bigger platform make me let me to get uh my basketball pornos (Are these tapes of Colby Bryant basketball practice sessions or tapes of sexy girls getting pumped by a role-playing referee in a locker-room?), and so uh I had 10 years to play for the national team of the, its a dream of a many young people, and also I have a hubba family so oh hubba hubba. Life's happiness. This also bring forth me bite a, bite a basketball that I love the very much.

2:14

And now I need to, to thank Life (the cereal? Are they his sponsor (http://i.imgur.com/lboU5.png)?). Not only basketball and the others, where theyre all part of my life. Life is my guide (wow they must be paying him a ton of money! I don’t think breakfast ever helped guide me through my day, maybe I should eat more Life cereal). You just follow it, and it will open.

2:27

One and another doors, and uh each door, out of each door there will be beautiful wars outside so seen something retired one door has closed. But there will be new doors opening, and uh new knives are waiting for me. Also I left the basketball field, but I will not leave uh Bassi Po (a mistress hes having an affair with back in China??). And the Shanghai team will be my continual, I'm trying to manage this uh team and bring the happiness to the fans. And uh, make my contribution to the passing bowl...industry of China da fuh? And Yao I will also do my fill, fill-uh, fah, Dumb Nantucket, and uh will help the others. I want to make more friend and we can do things together that we all like, and the all the industries, and the old trees, I should learn many things and uh to enrich my life. Not just from Shanghai, but to the country, to the whole country, and to the whole world.

3:30

(Yao’s dark thoughts that he’s been hiding all these years spill out of his mouth like a serial murderer confessing his sins to a priest. Apparently he has held some grudges that have kept him moving. We expected this from legendary a-hole Michael Jordan during his Hall of Fame speech, but even the Space Jammer never alluding to having a kill list!)

In the future I will Seriously sink my life. And also I need to sink my...BELOVED, and also my friend...I have a very long list. Because of the time constraint I can only say a few representative. First I need to sink my family members, my parents, and they brought me my Life. And also Lia Li. And a, our adorable Yao Jin-Li was/is our hope. And also my coaches. They have uh fostered my groans, and also mine, the first dead coach, John Li, and the chilling coach and the

[I]And while I was in the junior team of the Val Umpas, and while I was in the national team, various coach, Junior Harris, and the juniors. And also of course the main coaches, the head coaches of a (forgets names)...Houston Rocks!!! (That shout out to H-Town won’t stop me from forgiving you for wanting to kill your family, coaches, and friends you rabid beast!)

I couldn’t take it any further. The translated speech just became more and more confusing and more and more harrowing. Either this translator has a resume of butchering communications and accidentally killing foreign leaders during peace treaties at U.N. meetings or Yao is not the man we all thought he was. And if Yao really is this demented, I just may not be able to sleep tonight knowing this man is walking free amongst the earth I live on. God help us!!

Hustlenomics
07-22-2011, 01:20 AM
Lmaoo

Anilyzer
07-22-2011, 01:21 AM
in

the_jon
07-22-2011, 01:22 AM
lolwut?

gaughan333
07-22-2011, 01:29 AM
what the ****?

hgtiger32
07-22-2011, 01:30 AM
i have no clue what the hell i read.

i have no clue why the hell i read it.

i have no clue why the hell i wasted 30 seconds to make a post.

Sadds The Gr8
07-22-2011, 01:30 AM
lmfao

YourTeamSucks
07-22-2011, 01:36 AM
Im so lost

gaughan333
07-22-2011, 01:48 AM
So how about these rising gas prices? Thats about as related to the NBA as this thread

MrfadeawayJB
07-22-2011, 01:54 AM
lol

hineswardfan
07-22-2011, 01:58 AM
This is why I hate people.

airforceones25
07-22-2011, 02:01 AM
Tags:
CEREAL KILLER

http://rlv.zcache.com/cereal_killer_tshirt-p235055586398697282trru_400.jpg

LionsFan..LOL
07-22-2011, 02:04 AM
Hoops Prophet strikes again. :worthy:

Jsoul101
07-22-2011, 02:15 AM
==" you high bro?

sep11ie
07-22-2011, 02:26 AM
Hoops, I look forward to your threads all week long! Thanks man! That was freaking great.

pd1dish
07-22-2011, 02:27 AM
lol i dont understand

GREATNESS ONE
07-22-2011, 02:46 AM
:crazy::laugh2::laugh2:

John Walls Era
07-22-2011, 02:49 AM
This was ok, your other ones are better.

gaughan333
07-22-2011, 02:57 AM
Today I hung out on my couch because it was hot outside...stupid government trying to make america fat with their global warming. Thats as sensible as this, right?

John Walls Era
07-22-2011, 03:00 AM
Today I hung out on my couch because it was hot outside...stupid government trying to make america fat with their global warming. Thats as sensible as this, right?

You gotta read his other stuff to kinda get what hes about.

Eightyfive Y'aw
07-22-2011, 03:03 AM
My fill filla fah dumb nantucket :laugh: my ladder fool has a third of fractions!
Thank You Hoops keep up the good work. I laughed way too much for this late at night! PSD redeeming!

gaughan333
07-22-2011, 03:09 AM
You gotta read his other stuff to kinda get what hes about.

I appologize then, it was too long an non sensible for me to be able to read

3ballbomber
07-22-2011, 03:21 AM
huh!

ugafan
07-22-2011, 03:23 AM
That was really funny

hockeypro68
07-22-2011, 04:23 AM
how do you guys go about shaving the hair on your scrotal sack? Its so hard, regardless of what method is used :mad:

koLohe2133
07-22-2011, 04:55 AM
The reason I come to this site

LeonFSU
07-22-2011, 04:57 AM
We welcome your come


Man, I planned to comment on how funny the original post was, but then I read this. We welcome your come? That's just disgusting.

naps
07-22-2011, 04:59 AM
how do you guys go about shaving the hair on your scrotal sack? Its so hard, regardless of what method is used :mad:

And the root of the penis as well...so fckn sensible and thin skin..not easy either:mad:

BrokenAnkles
07-22-2011, 05:37 AM
This is why I hate people.

this

mjt20mik
07-22-2011, 11:15 AM
i have no clue what the hell i read.

i have no clue why the hell i read it.

i have no clue why the hell i wasted 30 seconds to make a post.

I concur.

mjt20mik
07-22-2011, 11:16 AM
Lol.

:) I lol'd so hard when I read that too.

Gambeezy
07-22-2011, 12:15 PM
==" you high bro?

that

TheHoopsProphet
07-22-2011, 04:05 PM
==" you high bro?

yea brah, if I ain't baked then I ain't awake. I smoke that kush like fire on a bush. Sweet caroline, light up that bowl a' mine, gonna stay high till im ninety-nine

tredigs
07-22-2011, 04:14 PM
I love this kid sometimes.

tredigs
07-22-2011, 04:16 PM
The thumbs down on the thread title and cereal killer tag are what I liked. Didn't read the post.

MoBASS
07-22-2011, 04:18 PM
Hoops Prophet is my hero

LakersA's49ers
07-22-2011, 04:23 PM
i dont get it

gbpackers12
07-22-2011, 04:32 PM
Not your best work Hoops Prophet, but you're still a living legend.

naps
07-22-2011, 04:46 PM
The guy is a genius. It's hard to believe English is not his first language.

broncosfan4eva
07-22-2011, 04:59 PM
Wtf? Wasn't even funny...

TO Rapz
07-22-2011, 05:01 PM
:laugh: Well done Hoops.

Luca68
07-22-2011, 05:06 PM
that was pretty geniousss.

broncosfan4eva
07-22-2011, 05:07 PM
Man, I planned to comment on how funny the original post was, but then I read this. We welcome your come? That's just disgusting.

Lol!

Tom Stone
07-22-2011, 05:36 PM
Dude you are a fool to write such an article....I watched the press conference, to see what the hell you were saying, and none of that was said, his translator was terrible, when you talk about, him saying he wanted to sink his family, he was saying,( it sounded more like sank, as in thank)... thank my family, it's just broken English because on the translator....

TheHoopsProphet
07-22-2011, 05:46 PM
Dude you are a fool to write such an article....I watched the press conference, to see what the hell you were saying, and none of that was said, his translator was terrible, when you talk about, him saying he wanted to sink his family, he was saying,( it sounded more like sank, as in thank)... thank my family, it's just broken English because on the translator....

Nice try Yao Ming's PR adviser! I know what I heard!!

Ovratd1up
07-25-2011, 11:05 PM
I love this kid sometimes.

ugh.

Crackadalic
07-25-2011, 11:19 PM
Hoops Prophet was born with talent

Ovratd1up
07-26-2011, 03:17 AM
Nice try Yao Ming's PR adviser! I know what I heard!!

****!


You had me laughing my buttocks off for 3-5 minutes, oh my