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03-04-2009, 11:14 PM
Top Ten Suggestions to Help Jeff Gordon Break His Losing Streak

10. Instruct Jeff to imagine a hard-boiled egg under the gas pedal.

9. Attach transponders to middle fingers of Gordon-haters, giving the No. 24 another completed lap every time an anti-fan expresses feelings.

8. Seek out Wrigley Field goat for sacrifice following “Wrigley Stadium” blunder.

7. Team finds motorsports zen guru and meditates profoundly and deeply to find answers hidden within themselves regarding proper balance of temperament, self-confidence, and chassis adjustments.

6. Paint car blue and put a number 48 on it.

5. Demand that NASCAR restrict the engines of other manufacturers (given the history, there’s a good chance it’ll listen).

4. Put Matt Kenseth in front of him with two laps to go.

3. Motivate team with nude photos of Rosie O’Donnell displayed everywhere in shop until performance improves.

2. After being forced below the yellow line, pass for the lead anyway.

1. Two words: Ingrid Withholds.

03-04-2009, 11:19 PM
Top Ten Ways You Know You Just Spent a Week At Bristol

10. At least one of the nights, you passed out in one place and woke up somewhere completely different — with no recollection of how you did that.

9. You spent at least one day vowing to “never do THAT again,” and spent a lot of time in the port-a-john.

8. You wondered who everyone was talking about as they told stories of “last night,” but were afraid to ask.

7. You’re broke.

6. But you’re happy!

5. You thought of weird things – like; “Could I run away fast enough if that helicopter suddenly stopped ‘helicoptering’ and fell on my camper?”

4. The muscles along your shin bone still hurt four days after your last trek up “Holy Hill.”

3. You nodded knowingly a lot during the race when others talked to you, even though you hadn’t a clue as to what they were saying.

2. You remember seeing at least one guy / gal who must’ve been the person that everyone was talking about, cuz they were WAY drunker than you ever got!

1. You never thought you’d see the day when you heard someone get more boos than Kurt Busch at Bristol, but then you realized, hey, it must be a genetic sibling rivalry thing!

The Panch
03-08-2009, 09:48 PM
Ok list, but I think he would rather win the championship this year, instead of popping out 10 wins like Busch did last year, and not win the championship.