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  1. #1
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    Horrific Man Eating Spiders Infest Wrigley

    I haven't seen this posted and I don't care if it has been. People NEED to know. You are not safe at Wrigley folks.

    http://www.sbnation.com/lookit/2014/...OOOOOOOPE-nope

  2. #2
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    I'm one of those idiots who prefers to kill the spider food and leave the spiders alone. Less spider food → fewer spiders. Killing the spiders would just cause a population explosion of spider food.

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eeyore View Post
    I'm one of those idiots who prefers to kill the spider food and leave the spiders alone. Less spider food → fewer spiders. Killing the spiders would just cause a population explosion of spider food.
    When I worked valet, we had a huge spider infestation one summer. Pretty sure they hatched inside the wall of our dinky little booth. At night literally dozens would be visible at a given time. They looked a lot like these ones, too.

    It was creepy at first, but I'll be damned if I ever got any mosquito bites.

  4. #4
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  5. #5
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    The things which go about on eight legs... for them I have no mercy... 'cept for octopuses... those bros are cool by me.

    ...

    by "have no mercy" I mean "scream like a six year old girl every time I see one"

    One time I was sitting in a chair. A nice chair. Perhaps my favorite chair, before its cushions got kind flat and its springs started to break. Came with a fine ottoman as well. Anyway I'm relaxin'. And along came this spider and he's all:

    "What are you doin' tough guy?"
    And I said "I'm restin'."
    "Here? Here you're restin'?"

    And that little string kept growin' longer and longer, and he kept gettin' lower and lower, and I said "Don't you dare you ****er."

    But he didn't give a ****. He landed square on my chest. And then, as if to taunt me, he stared up at me with those eight, unblinking eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. And I stared back. I stared into the face of Satan. Fuzzy, spindly, web-slingin' satan. "The Lord is my shepherd, you devil," I told him. He didn't answer. He just kept staring. His little legs shuffled. He was going to jump. He was going to jump on my face.

    But I beat him to the punch.

    I jumped to my feet, slapping at my chest like some crazed silverback gorilla, letting lose a furious war cry that, to untrained ears, might have sounded something like a terrified squeal. But it was not.

    The spider tumbled from my chest, falling to the ground as his legs curled below him. I watched until he twitched no more, and only then did I let my eyes and feet wander. I grabbed a tissue. Actually, two tissues. I folded them over three times. Then I bent down and carefully pinched his lifeless corpse, and folded the tissues twice more for good measure.

    Only once he was secure in his two-ply coffin did I feel safe. Slowly I carried him to the bathroom. I opened up the toilet lid and let him slip from my grasp into the porcelain mausoleum which would carry him to his grave. The lever was pushed, the water did swirl, and my foe disappeared into the steely embrace of the plumbing.

    "You were a worthy opponent," I said, bowing my head slightly in reverence. "I shall never forget the fierce battle you gave me. Requiescant in pace."

    I left the bathroom that day feeling more of a man. But I also felt sad. What higher heights were there for me to climb? I was triumphant, and the horns blared for my victory.

    But my soul was a restless as it had ever been.

    Tearing down Utopia, one brick at a time.

  6. #6
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    From the comments:

    "With their natural predator, the goat, absent from this fragile ecosystem, the spider thrives"


  7. #7
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    HA-LAR-E-US, Unexpected.

    Javylujah... Javylujah... Javylujah


  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Timmmahhh View Post
    HA-LAR-E-US, Unexpected.

    That's actually an excerpt from my autobiography, "Unexplained: My Life On the Moon and How I Got There, Among Other Things Including That Time I Battled A Demon Spider".

    Pick it up at your local Amazon.com, if you get the chance.

    Tearing down Utopia, one brick at a time.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unexplained View Post
    The things which go about on eight legs... for them I have no mercy... 'cept for octopuses... those bros are cool by me.

    ...

    by "have no mercy" I mean "scream like a six year old girl every time I see one"

    One time I was sitting in a chair. A nice chair. Perhaps my favorite chair, before its cushions got kind flat and its springs started to break. Came with a fine ottoman as well. Anyway I'm relaxin'. And along came this spider and he's all:

    "What are you doin' tough guy?"
    And I said "I'm restin'."
    "Here? Here you're restin'?"

    And that little string kept growin' longer and longer, and he kept gettin' lower and lower, and I said "Don't you dare you ****er."

    But he didn't give a ****. He landed square on my chest. And then, as if to taunt me, he stared up at me with those eight, unblinking eyes. Black eyes. Like a doll's eyes. And I stared back. I stared into the face of Satan. Fuzzy, spindly, web-slingin' satan. "The Lord is my shepherd, you devil," I told him. He didn't answer. He just kept staring. His little legs shuffled. He was going to jump. He was going to jump on my face.

    But I beat him to the punch.

    I jumped to my feet, slapping at my chest like some crazed silverback gorilla, letting lose a furious war cry that, to untrained ears, might have sounded something like a terrified squeal. But it was not.

    The spider tumbled from my chest, falling to the ground as his legs curled below him. I watched until he twitched no more, and only then did I let my eyes and feet wander. I grabbed a tissue. Actually, two tissues. I folded them over three times. Then I bent down and carefully pinched his lifeless corpse, and folded the tissues twice more for good measure.

    Only once he was secure in his two-ply coffin did I feel safe. Slowly I carried him to the bathroom. I opened up the toilet lid and let him slip from my grasp into the porcelain mausoleum which would carry him to his grave. The lever was pushed, the water did swirl, and my foe disappeared into the steely embrace of the plumbing.

    "You were a worthy opponent," I said, bowing my head slightly in reverence. "I shall never forget the fierce battle you gave me. Requiescant in pace."

    I left the bathroom that day feeling more of a man. But I also felt sad. What higher heights were there for me to climb? I was triumphant, and the horns blared for my victory.

    But my soul was a restless as it had ever been.
    Quite possibly the greatest thing I've ever read. Well done, sir


    ONE GOAL ACHIEVED!
    1934, 1938, 1961, 2010, 2013

  10. #10
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    Don't tell Edwin about them!

    Watch Out MLB

  11. #11
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    I take it there are no spiders on the moon? Whst about those rock-crab hybrid moon monsters they showed in tge "Apollo 18" documentary?

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chaser 3 View Post
    I take it there are no spiders on the moon? Whst about those rock-crab hybrid moon monsters they showed in tge "Apollo 18" documentary?
    There are spiders everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

    Tearing down Utopia, one brick at a time.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Chaser 3 View Post
    I take it there are no spiders on the moon? Whst about those rock-crab hybrid moon monsters they showed in tge "Apollo 18" documentary?
    Spiders are from Mars.David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust: http://youtu.be/XXq5VvYAI1Q

  14. #14
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    I saw a quite a few webs while I was up there last night. Didn't actually have any go right past me on the desk.

  15. #15
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    There are several ways that one could read and interpret the title of this thread.

    Before clicking to view, I thought this was going to be about a man, eating spiders at Wrigley.
    To some, he was just a boy. A boy who played football, a football player that grew to be a man. A man that took over a city, a city that he made his own, a city that stands behind him in hopes of becoming one of that cities all-time greats. To some, 2013 was a fluke. To some, he can't do it again. To some, he got lucky.

    To us though, to the Philly faithful, that QB is Nick Foles. To us, that's our QB.

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