Your Team - The Tennessee Titans
Your Record - 6-10. 6-10 might be the worst record for your team to end up with (not mathematically speaking, of course). Going 6-10 means you're bad, but you're not the WORST. Going 6-10 means you don't get the top draft pick, and the people in charge of the shitstorm can sometimes escape with their jobs intact. And so here are the Titans, a year after going 6-10, still looking awfully 6-10ish.
Your Coach - Mike Munchak. To refresh your memory, here's Peter King talking about how Mike Munchak got his job:
So let's recap: Here's a coach who didn't prepare for his interview, had no clear idea of who should be on his staff (arguably the most important job of a head coach), and whose biggest idea was a hat ban. Why, they'd have been fools NOT to hire him! It's not often you find a coach who likes showing players motivational videos and is willing to promulgate a useless, infantilizing disciplinary regime. That's totally unique! Jesus Christ, who's running this team? An owl?Munchak spent 48 hours preparing for the (Titans) interview. […] Some assistants have nice, glossy presentations prepared when they interview for a job. Munchak had nothing. “I’m not a networker,” he said. “So when it came time for one of the important parts of the interview, identifying which coaches I’d try to hire on my staff, I didn’t really know a lot of them.”
“Shocking,” said (GM Mike) Reinfeldt. “He had an answer for everything. And some great ideas. We had no idea that was coming.” Not just the Paterno-spawned ideas either. Sports jackets on road trips. No hats in the building. No headphones while working out; talking and communicating was preferred. No TVs in the trainer’s room; don’t want it to be too comfortable in there. A 12-minute video presentation on the history of the Oilers going back to the old American Football League days “because you should always know where you came from,” Munchak said.
Your quarterback - Jake Locker. FUN FACT: By the time you're finished reading this sentence, poor Jake will have already partially torn the cartilage in his throwing shoulder. He'll be out three weeks. And by three, I mean six. It's a shame because I was looking forward to watching Jake barely complete half his passes. He's like Vince Young, only not as much fun and far less willing to take his shirt off.
Why your team sucks: Let's talk about Bud Adams for a moment, because Bud Adams doesn't get nearly enough credit for being a horrible, ****** old man.
At least Leon Hess had the courtesy to die. Titans fans get no such comfort. Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones have hogged the "meddlesome owner" spotlight for so long that it's easy to overlook ol' Bud, who interferes in far more of his team's business than a living cadaver ought to. You never want to see your team run by a dude who looks like a 15-term senator who bangs the help. Bud forced Vince Young on Jeff Fisher, then he fired Jeff Fisher, and now the Titans are eons removed from their best years. Think about that: the Jeff Fisher years represent the APEX of this team's existence. They're never gonna get the chance to lose a Super Bowl by a single yard ever again. They are locked and loaded into 6-10 for the next two decades, especially with a defense this atrocious.
Not that Titans fans will notice. Remember: Titans fans are just off-duty SEC fans. These are the people who spend every Saturday watching UT lose and then root for Alabama in the national title game at the end of the season as a way of mooching off a bit of their glory. Watching the Titans is just a filler activity for them. Well, Lurlene done kicked me out of the camper agin. Giss aw'll go watch them Titans over at Earl's camper! SEC SEC SEC!!!
Chris Johnson's car
Your mascot is a raccoon on an ATV.
The Titans are named after some Greek gods who were repulsive in every respect. They were the product of screwing their mother, they all had sex with their sisters, one castrated their dad to avoid more Titans, and ate his children to avoid being castrated or killed himself. Oh, and the Titans were losers, ultimately defeated by the Olympians. Yep, very Tennessee.
Steve McNair is dead instead of Bud Adams.