*the following is a transcript of an interview between journalist Rob Costas and San Diego Padres GM Braves 14 that took place on October 30th, 2027.*
Rob Costas: On June 1st, 2026, starting pitcher Calvin Kennedy was traded by the St. Louis Cardinals to the San Diego Padres in exchange for minor league catcher, Ed Parker, and an agreed upon compensation. What seemed like a typical mid-season transaction soon turned into much more after San Diego Padres GM and sex god Braves14 refused to send the agreed upon compensation to St. Louis. Even after several warnings from the league's co-commissioners, TheKid and Ronin, Braves remained obstinate in his refusal to send this compensation. I'm joined today by that very same man, who feels his side of the story hasn't been adequately explained. Thank you for joining me today, Braves.
Braves14: Glad to be here, Rob.
RC: So, let's start from the beginning. Whom approached whom in regards to Kennedy?
B14: I came to Pittz about Kennedy around the end of May in 2026. We had noticed that Kennedy had severe flyball tendencies and figured with our park dimensions and defense, he would make a better fit here than in St. Louis.
RC: Okay, and when was the first time this "compensation" was first mentioned in the trade talks?
B14: I mentioned it to Pittz at the time. He was looking for the sort of compensation I had the ability to get my hands on and I obliged him in the trade offer.
RC: So, you get Kennedy, and he does very well for you. Posting a 36.9 VORP in 21 starts his first five months with the Padres and then in his first full year in 2027, he posted a VORP of 31.6 while winning seventeen games as the Padres made the playoffs for the first time since 2006. Meanwhile, Ed Parker posted a -2.3 VORP in 2026 and a 10.0 VORP in 2027. In that span of time, you also allegedly did not pay the Cardinals GM what you owed him in compensation. So, it's fair to say you won the trade correct?
B14: Well, in any trade you're hoping to win it. I mean, we saw Kennedy as a guy who was an excellent fit for PetCo and we were right. Sorry, I'm not gonna go apologizing to Pittz just because I owned him in a trade. If that were the case, he'd be drowning in apologies.
RC: But, Braves, that isn't the point. The point is that you failed to give him the proper compensation that you promised.
B14: That seems to be the case.
RC: So you didn't win the trade, you just failed to complete it.
B14: That's one way of putting it.
RC: Well, how would you put it?
B14: Look, at the time I was confident in my ability to acquire what he needed. We needed Kennedy at the time, so I figured we'd pull the trigger and then pay him when we could. As it turns out, it wasn't as simple as I had hoped.
RC: So, after this all happens, you're approached by Pittz. What happened?
B14: He basically went on this rant about how it was [expletive] and that it wasn't fair, blah blah blah. To be honest, nobody even cared. They just ignored him like always.
RC: Didn't you feel bad that you had taken advantage of this poor man and robbed him blind of a 35 VORP pitcher?
B14: Um, how could I possibly feel bad about that? He agreed to the trade. I gave him no timetable on when the compensation would be given. Look at the transaction contract we signed, it gives no date as to when it has to be given. I could give it to him on his death bed if I so please, which if he doesn't shut the [expletive] about it, could be soon.
RC: Over the past year, you've become somewhat of a villain in the GM community. One GM even wished for your team to die in an earthquake. What do you have to say to that?
B14: Anytime someone threatens my team, I take it personally. I'm proud of my boys for the way they played this season, no matter what anybody thinks about how they did it. Now, I know who that GM is and all I can say is that I'll be sending him a broom signed by all twenty-five of my players, as well as a book on how to properly grade articles. I also thought about sending him a math tutor to teach him that there are numbers bigger than seven, but it seemed excessive.
RC: There have also been rumors that your team has been using steroids, given the coincidental improvements from some of your players, namely Albert Fields, Calvin Kennedy, and Bryan Sperber, after your acquisition of Saul Goodman from the Cardinals, who was involved in the Texas Rangers juicing scandal and has been referred to as a clubhouse "disruption" by his former GM's. Any truth to these claims?
B14: No, absolutely no truth. That's so ridiculous. Three of my best players, Juan Toucey, Bonifazio Sgattoni, and Lou Chaulk, all had down years. What sort of [expletive] has a down year on steroids? Albert Fields had been working all offseason with former Padres great, Bryce Harper, down in Tampa. The two are good friends. Kennedy and Sperber improved because they were put into a pitcher's park with a great defense behind them. Any pitcher would improve under those conditions. We knew Goodman had a reputation coming in, but our team leaders Sgattoni and [J the] King put an end to that pretty quickly. Goodman even came to the playoff games despite his injury to cheer his team on. So no, there is no truth to those claims.
RC: Now, describe to me the NLCS against the New York Mets, during which your team dropped four straight games after being up three games to none, ending your season and sending the Mets to World Series where they would eventually beat the Boston Red Sox four games to two.
B14: It was heartbreaking. After we won the third game in New York, I remember having a conversation with Fazi about playing in the World Series and I'd never heard that much excitement out of anyone. Then, our offense fell apart and we lost the next four games. What can you say to that? You make your team better and move on. I think all of the guys learned a valuable lesson. You can't give a cornered animal an inch of daylight.
RC: Some, most notably Cardinals GM Pittz, have publicly said that the series loss was karma for the way you've conducted business which they have deemed, "unethical". What is your response?
B14: My response is that maybe Pittz and these other GM's should make sure their hands are clean before they start going around and pointing fingers.
RC: Are you implying that other GM's are dirty Braves?
B14: Oh come on Rob, don't be so naive. What do you think the compensation was that was supposed to go to St. Louis? Points! They're traded all the time under the title "compensation".
RC: What do these points do?
B14: Anything and everything. They're like steroids on steroids. [Ramon] De La Garza is small time compared to what goes on behind the scenes between GMs. Ever been to winterball, Rob? I'm sure you have. You know that building in the back that they claim is "under construction." There is a tunnel that leads from the main facility to there. That's where they inject points into the players.
RC: So, what you're saying...is that these points are performance enhancing drugs? Does the MLB league office know about this?
B14: *laughs* Of course they do Rob. You think Selig didn't know about McGwire and Sosa? TheKid and Ronin have always known. They even encourage us by offering "prizes" in exchange for points. Where do you think these relievers all of a sudden get unstoppable third pitches? [Boone] Carlyle, Carlos Deleon, even this year's Cy Young Award winner James Doakes benefited heavily from it. The Brewers literally just did it to one of their pitchers not even a few days ago. It's all around you Rob, open your eyes. Guys don't just go from obscurity to dominance like that.
RC: I'm...I'm speechless. What prizes does the office offer?
B14: They offer the third pitches, which God only knows how they get to work. You can improve a player in any category. Hell, you can even get a new stadium. You know Azazel Field in Tampa? Yeah, how do you think that happened? Points, right under the table. Nobody is innocent, Rob. So these [expletive] GMs need to get the [expletive] out of my face about not sending the points to Pittz.
RC: What do TheKid and Ronin do with these points?
B14: [expletive] if I know. Some probably go to Winterball, but I have no idea about the others. Maybe you should do some real [expletive] journalism and figure that [expletive] out like you father did. As for me, I'm [expletive] out of here. I don't need this [expletive]. You wanna find out about points, then go talk to Alex Atkins and his kid. Those dudes have been pointsing since birth. Also, if you see Pittz, you [expletive] tell him he'll get his points and that if he complains again I'll have Sgatonni and King hold him down while I shove those points up his [expletive]. Good day, sir.
RC: But, Braves14 -
B14: - I said good day!
*end of transcript*