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  1. #1
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    Padres GM Stirring Up League, Trouble

    Q: What do you get when you combine all 25 Padres with 25 lesbians?
    A: Fifty people that don’t do dick!

    Jokes, such as the one above, were common amongst baseball fans before their current GM took over late in the 2018 season. From 2008-2018, the team finished two seasons with winning records, never making the playoffs. They averaged a putrid 70 wins a year and never won more than 86. They averaged a finish of 28 games back of first place in the NL West.

    However, the new GM, who prefers to remain anonymous and curiously goes by an alias of “Braves,” began to run things differently. He committed to rebuilding the team, trading away his commodities to stock up on younger talent. From 2022-2027, the Padres have finished with a losing season only once and averaged 86 wins, culminating in their first playoff appearance this year since 2006. They have helped create a better competitive balance in the NL West, with three different teams winning the division since 2023 after the Giants held the top stop from 2016-2023.

    The emergence of the Padres as a newly competitive team was heralded as a great story for baseball. National League execs are ecstatic that they are avoiding the mess of realignment that the American League endured, relying instead on the cyclical nature of competition. If the Padres continued to be bottom-dwellers with the Giants preying on the team for easy wins, realignment might have been an MLB-wide consideration, so people appreciated not only what their GM was bringing to the team, but to the league as well. However, there is a growing reputation that he is a dirty GM, relying on unethical tactics to build his team. This has spawned a new breed of Padres jokes:

    Q: What is the difference between a bucket of **** and the San Diego Padres GM?
    A: The bucket.

    Rumors about the Padres GM began in 2026 when he traded for Calvin Kennedy. Apparently, the Padres promised Pittz, the Cardinals GM, an agreed upon type of compensation in return for the starting pitcher Kennedy. As time passed, it has become clear that the Padres GM has no intentions of coming through with his promise, essentially denying the agreed upon PTBNL. Further putting off the league was the aid other GM’s were willing to offer the Padres in meeting this compensation, including Pittz himself. But, the Padres were stoic, making no effort to complete the trade. Further questions of the Padres GM’s integrity stems from an article questioning whether baseball is in the midst of a new steroid era.

    In the article, Ramon De La Garza is cited as the potential Jose Canseco of his generation, distributing steroids to players on the Texas Rangers such as Omar Poveda and Gregory House. However, Saul Goodman was with the Rangers during the same time frame. Goodman, who was named after an infamous attorney who had an affinity for bending the rules to his advantage, had incredible seasons in Texas, posting a VORP north of 60 three times. Then, many believe steroids got the best of him, as his body broke down and he has yet to even exceed 40 VORP in the four seasons since. Goodman had brief stints in New York, Baltimore, and St. Louis before the clubs quickly traded him, claiming he was a disruption in the clubhouse. The teams were even willing to pay his high salary or trade away specs with Goodman to get rid of him.

    Strangely, Goodman’s “disruption” seemed to motivate the Padres GM to acquire him, as he traded an up-and-coming starting pitcher in Luis Crespo for him. Many believe this was because Goodman knew how to provide the Padres the competitive advantage their GM desired. Why else would the Padres continue to pay Goodman over $25,000,000 a year when his performance on the field has been average at best? Evidence has risen to support this, as players’ abilities exploded. Kennedy had never pitched to better than a 4.36 ERA in four seasons in St. Louis, but he has a 3.21 ERA in San Diego. 32-year-old starting pitcher Bryan Sterber put up a career year, knocking a full run off his career ERA in 2027. Albert Fields bounced back from a 7.4 VORP year by improving that number by about 6 times, with 42.8 VORP and a career high 20 HR in 2027.

    San Diego’s GM finally has a winning team, but his reputation has taken a hit in order to achieve his success. Karma seems to have already paid back the team. After the Padres won their first six games of the postseason, holding a 3-0 lead over the Mets in the NLCS, the Padres turned to Kennedy to clinch the series. He responded by giving up four earned runs in four innings and taking the loss. With new life, the Mets battled back to tie up the series at three games apiece. Once again, the Padres turned to Kennedy to close out the series. Kennedy, who was a huge reason the Padres made the playoffs by winning 17 games during the regular season, and who is widely regarded as a stolen commodity from the Cardinals until compensation is given, was responsible for saving the Padres unethical season. He failed, as the Mets completed their comeback and went on to win the World Series.

    Q: What does a San Diego Padres GM do when his team has won the World Series?
    A: He turns off his Xbox.

    The failure of the Padres was a welcome sight to many in baseball who feel their GM isn’t deserving of his success, and has led to new jokes. One GM was heard to have been hoping for the entire Padres team to die during the playoffs, kidding, of course. Maybe the loss in the playoffs will be a wakeup call to the Padres. He may be treating this as a video game, but his only benefit to this approach is keeping his identity hidden. Keep that alias tight, Braves14, or start running your team the right way.

  2. #2
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    This is pretty awesome. Great job Pittz.

    In all seriousness though, I have two windows open on my computer with two different articles being written in each. You'll get your points brah.

    "Patterned grid world
    It waits for you and it has always
    Been there from the start"

  3. #3
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    Haha glad you're a good sport. Excited to read your articles

  4. #4
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    Chicago Bears #23
    Kyle "Cheetah" Fuller

  5. #5
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    9. ANYONE WANNA COMPLAIN ABOUT MY GRADING NOW!? Go on! Complain away!

    Jimmy <3

  6. #6
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    it took you a full day to grade this... that's horrible. do better!

  7. #7
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    Pittz should never get above 60% in anything.

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