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  1. #1
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    Exclusive Sitdown: Alex Atkins Goes Tanya Harding on Leith Kaw

    This was a joint effort between me and Doog, and it took a good amount of time. We should probably get double points for this.

    Exclusive Sitdown: Alex Atkins Goes Tanya Harding on Leith Kaw

    Leith Kaw: "Thank you for finally agreeing to take a bit of time out of your day and talking to us, Your Royal Highness Atkins"

    Alex Atkins: "(laughs) No problem I guess.”



    Leith Kaw: “So Alex, it appears that you're on the way to your 11th straight 100+ VORP season and likely your 11th MVP award as well. How does it feel?"

    Alex Atkins: "Well you know, it's pretty good. I mean, being one of the best to play the game is weird. The years have flown by. I just try to go out and do the most I can. I guess it'd be nice to have a few more triple crowns on my mantle though."



    Leith Kaw: “As everybody knows, right before last season began, your GM Doog Olas traded you to the Toronto Blue Jays for an astonishing 9 players. How did you feel about that?”

    Alex Atkins: "Well, y'know, that's a long story. But in brief he sat me down and told me the plan after I kind of had an... incident... when he mentioned it in an interview where there was a leak about him possibly moving me. I was pretty distraught at the time, but he told me he'd bring me back when I got to Free Agency. He also told me one of the pieces of the trade was my son, Junior, and so I felt better after that. Junior and I will hopefully have the chance to be on the field together for at least a couple seasons now. I'm looking forward to it."



    Leith Kaw: “Speaking of Free Agency, obviously being able to play with your son is a big deal, but how big of a role did the money offered play? I mean $700 million and tripling the previous highest contract is no small joke"

    Alex Atkins: "Absolutely not a joke. I'm Alex Atkins man. I gave the Nationals a discount. A big one at that. I had offers as high as 200 million per year. I mean, you said it yourself, 11 straight MVP's. I make Barry Bonds look like Isaac Steele. (laughs)"



    Leith Kaw: “Well Alex, some folks have been wondering whether or not the Nationals made the right decision in retaining your services. Do you think you’re going to be able to continue playing at a high level for the duration of this contract? And more importantly, how much of a handicap do you think it’ll be when your team has to fill out 24 players with roughly a 1/3rd of what you’re making?”

    Alex Atkins: "(laughs) You're a funny guy Kaw. Of course it was the right decision. I can play baseball better than anyone in the league in my sleep. I'll be winning MVPs until the day I retire, four more years won't even be difficult. Hell, I'm in better shape now than I was when I was 20. And honestly, I can carry 24 scrubs to the playoffs. The only reason it hasn't happened this year is that I got injured, we were within 5 games before then. Just wait till next year, the Nats'll be back on top and nobody... nobody will question my contract."



    Leith Kaw: “On the topic of your injury, when you sprained your thumb earlier this year, we didn’t get the usual sympathy from around the league. Some league officials went on the record saying they hope you don’t recover and that they’ve been waiting years for this to happen. One GM even openly danced when he was informed of the news. What do you have to say to these folks?”

    Alex Atkins: "That I have more World Series rings than all of them. And that they only want me gone because they know winning it all will be way harder as long as I'm around. (grinds teeth) It's not my fault they're a bunch of talentless douchebags."



    Leith Kaw: “Seeing as you mentioned Barry Bonds earlier, the consensus is that Barry was on some sort of performance enhancing substances that allowed him to perform at that high level. Of course, that was close to 2 decades ago and things have changed, but how do you feel about the use of PEDs in sports?”

    Alex Atkins: "Man, [expletive] that [expletive] are you [expletive] kidding me? Anyone who needs some illegal [expletive] to play this game is a worthless piece of [expletive]."



    Leith Kaw: “So you don’t believe that PEDs have any role in sports?”

    Alex Atkins: "Do they? Sure, some [expletive]s use them, but those people are worthless anyways, so who [expletive]ing cares?"



    Leith Kaw: “Seeing as you feel so strongly about that, how do you respond to the recent allegations made by Boston beat writer, The Kid. In an article, The Kid mentions that a Met’s front office source informed him of widespread steroid abuse and that “They're all juicers and everyone knows it... and I won't even get into what Alex Atkins is on."”

    Alex Atkins: “"I have to assume when he says 'is on' he means my training regimen. Which is, as the Nationals GM puts it, 'Completely insane Alex. You're going to kill yourself if you don't take a break.' So unless that's a problem. (stands up) then [expletive] that [expletive]-ing [expletive] I'll [expletive]-ing [expletive] his [expletive] (throws chair against the wall and picks up leg) tell him to [expletive]ing say that [expletive]-ing [expletive] to my face. I'll show him how [expletive]-ing good I am at hitting by using his face as the God damn mother[expletive]ing ball. What kind of [expletive]-ing reporter are you? Some rival GM says I'm using [expletive] and you have the nerve to just jump on the God damn bangwagon you piece of [expletive]. I'm not answering another question about this [expletive]. So move the [expletive] on or I'll relieve you of your duties."”



    Leith Kaw: “Ummm….uh…(wipes brow)….ummm….alright. Everybody was recently astonished by the fact that the Nationals upped and shipped most of their young talent right after signing you back. Nobody expected guys like J-Rod, Eadie and McNeal to be moved so soon. How does it feel signing a long-term contract only to have your GM trade away all the supporting cast?”

    Alex Atkins: "(stares down at Kaw) Well, from what Doogy tells me, most of the guys he traded for are close to ready. Ikuno can potentially step into the rotation to replace Eadie. We have some kid in the minors ready to replace McNeal soon, some kid named Mouse is gonna be able to step in at SS next year. And Michael has always underperformed. He went out drinking all the time and maybe the change in scenery will help him. He was a good guy and one of my better friends on the team, but it wasn't working for him. This season was lost, next year will be different. I'm gonna drop 60 bombs and hit .400."



    Leith Kaw: “Big promises Alex, but you’re definitely one that can achieve them. On a separate note, how does it feel to be in the same organization as your son? Have you been to any of Junior’s games?”

    Alex Atkins: "(smile) My boy's awesome. I couldn't be happier to be in the org with him. He's actually only started one game, when I went down and visited they made sure to play him. He went 1/1 with a triple and a walk. Right now he's just learning the org and getting settled. But when he gets in the lineup to end the season, starting with tomorrow night's game, you know I'll be anxious to hear and see how he does."



    Leith Kaw: “That’s good to hear. Most of the scouts that I’ve talked to speak very highly of Junior. Some even believe that he could eclipse you and vie for some of your records? What do you think of that? How do you feel his skillset matches up to yours?”

    Alex Atkins: "Junior's a special kid. If anyone can touch the things I've done it's him. I tell you right now he'll be the first guy since I played my first full season to challenge me in an MVP race. I think my records will be safe though. I was MLB ready a bit faster than I think he'll be ready."



    Leith Kaw: "We all wish him the best of luck of course, but how do you think he'll be able to handle the pressure? Being the son of one of the all-time greats is no small feat, and others before him have been unable to live under the spotlight. Do you think this will bother him or that he may have to resort to some of your special training regimen?"

    Alex Atkins: "(pauses and sits in a catcher's crouch) I'm not sure I understand Leith, he's already on my training regimen. He has been since he was 14."



    Leith Kaw: "Well...uh what I meant was that others have been unable to live up to expectations and have turned to other methods in order to ensure success. You know, he’s still young but minor league clubhouses are full of…(gulp)…shady substances and Dominican pushers"

    Alex Atkins: "Are you... Saying. (stands up and paces) Are you trying to accuse my son of something you son of a [expletive]?”


    Unfortunately, we were unable to continue the interview with Mr. Atkins at this point in time, as Mr. Kaw had to be rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery in order remove remnants of a chair from his person.


    In a follow-up phone call, Mr. Atkins declined to comment about the incident. He is currently facing charges due to damages sustained by the 10-man camera crew in an attempt to subdue him. They will likely settle out of court.
    Last edited by Ron!n; 12-10-2011 at 03:36 PM.

    Chicago Bears #23
    Kyle "Cheetah" Fuller

  2. #2
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    I'll give both of you 7 points.

    So, that's 7 for the Nationals and 7 for the Rangers.

    IDGAF

  3. #3
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    hahaha this is awesome.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by La_Biblioteca View Post
    I'll give both of you 7 points.

    So, that's 7 for the Nationals and 7 for the Rangers.
    Wow.

    "Patterned grid world
    It waits for you and it has always
    Been there from the start"

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