One of the worst contracts in major league history has finally come to a mutual end. The Philadelphia Phillies, mercifully winding down a disastoriuos 2027 season, have agreed to trade Vincent Provezano to the New York Mets for essentially nothing. I sat down with an anonymous source inside the Phillies clubhouse to discuss the last two years being forced into contract with the much maligned center fielder.
Q: Thanks for sitting here with me. I know it's hard to admit it when such a disastor like this occurs.
A: Yeah, it really is. You think you're getting a quality player but you really get such a diva and average ball player.
Q: To start off, how did this all happen? Did you mean to sign Provezano to that much money?
A: Not really, no. We originally threw the 50 million on a used napkin as aj oke. Kind of like "haha, you suck and we really don't care." But as soon as that little shi... as soon as Mr. Provezano saw it he grabbed it and signed it. After a lot of fighting he eventually took it to court and it was found to be a legally binding document. Needless to say we were a little disgusted from the start of this relationship. We're just glad we were able to keep it all under wraps until now.
Q: Why didn't you go public with the information until now?
A: We didn't want everyone to know how badly we screwed up. We hoped to make it seem like we wanted this terrible outfielder on our team for that much money. Maybe garner some support from the homosexual crowd with some "Vinny P" days or something. It never really panned out anyway, sadly.
Q: How was Vincent in the locker room?
A: Oh, just terrible. We heard he had some diva qualities but, wow. At first we thought nothing of him having a couple extra mirrors around his locker but when he eventually made a fort out of them we were worried. He wouldn't leave what he called his "Provezano Pretty Palace" for hours on end. Only coming out seconds before a game and demanding everyone chant "Vinny, vinny" as he ran out onto the field. Very disturbing.
Q: Very disturbing indeed. How do you think he ended up with this kind of poor atitude?
A: I hate to throw the blame on anyone else, but honestly I think was his infatuation with Carlos Torres. We knew coming into the league he idolized him and when Carlos' career went downhill Vincent took it pretty hard. We denied him the right to wear a "Vincent+Carlos=4ever" patch on his jersey several times. He would lash out at this pretty hard. we heard he got it tatooed on some unsavory places, but we obviously can't confirm. The kid just never had good role models growing up.
Q: And what about on the field?
A:This was even worse, to be honest. We knew he might have been taking some steroids while in Baltimore, but we didn't know just how bad it was. He didn't even bother trying to hide the needles on most days. In fact <laughing> we had to run out on the field and take them from him inbetween innings when he try to juice up. What an idiot, right?!
Q: Anything you've learned from this ordeal?
A: Not really, actually. Learned obviously that players this ugly just can't cut it in the bigs. You really need to have some kind of edge and sexyness about you. Provezano just doesn't have that.
Q: And lastly, what are you next moves going to be?
A: We're thinking big, y'know. We really like that Juan Toucey kid on the Padres. When he hits FA in a year we plan on throwing Alex Atkins type money at him. That kind of raw skill and potent sex appeal can really bring in some fan fare. We'll have a few days where the ladies can just buy pictures of him and whatnot. Should be fun.
Well I thank you for your time. Sorry you've had to deal with such a tremendous loss to your fanbase after this move, but hey the only direction from here on out is up. And at least you don't have deal with average playing (and looking!) Vincent Provezano anymore.