Cheating for Dummies: Your guide to smarter NCAA rule-breaking
Reading the nuclear bomb Yahoo! Sports dropped on the Oregon football program July 1, I couldn't help but think of Jerry Springer. Last year, the White Trash Whisperer appeared on Comedy Central's roast of David Hasselhoff. Comedian Jeff Ross, during his roasting of his fellow roasters, brought up the most embarrassing moment of Springer's former life as mayor of Cincinnati. "Who the hell pays a hooker with a personal check?" Ross said. "That's like -- paying a hooker with a personal check."
Oregon's program sits in the NCAA's cross hairs because the athletic department paid scouting service operator/recruiting middleman Will Lyles -- who essentially admitted to Yahoo! Sports that he acted as a street agent -- with a $25,000 check. North Carolina's football program has a date with the NCAA's Committee on Infractions because former defensive tackle Marvin Austin got too descriptive on Twitter. Jim Tressel is currently unemployed because of a series of e-mails. Bruce Pearl isn't coaching basketball at Tennessee because someone snapped a photo of a recruit at Pearl's house, which was inconvenient since Pearl told the NCAA the recruit hadn't been at his house. USC's depth chart is thinner than Kate Moss because no one bothered to pay off the wannabe agents who kept Reggie Bush and his family living the good life while Bush played for the Trojans. All these cases point to a serious crisis in college sports.
MANDEL: Kelly not doing things 'right way'
Coaches and administrators have forgotten how to cheat. These things used to be taken care of with a few hundreds rolled into a handshake and a job for mom at the tractor factory down the road from the school. Now, it's amateur hour.
This isn't rocket science, people. The NCAA has what amounts to subpoena power over current athletes and current university employees. That's it. The NCAA's rules don't apply to anyone else. That opens an almost infinite array of cheating opportunities completely undetectable by the NCAA's enforcement cops. If you get caught cheating, you got caught because you're incredibly stupid.
So, as a public service to dishonest coaches everywhere, I'm offering these seven simple rules that will guarantee your clandestine activities will never rise above the level of message-board wives tale. Just think of it as NCAA Cheating for Dummies.
I've been thinking the same thing when reading some of these stories. Chip Kelly was pretty sloppy with this (if what I read was true). That HBO Real Sports segment on Auburn where the ex-olineman said that he got an unmarked letter and inside was a few hundreds. That sounds like a good way to do it. I don't know how you would ever stop that or pin it to anybody.
I've always had suspicions about Nick Saban. I just get the feeling that he knows how to cheat "the right way" without getting caught. Alabama is a recruiting hot bed and has great tradition and all but he sure turned that program around quickly. For the record I can't prove anything against Saban.