* "Son, a woman is a lot like a... [looks around] a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and, um... [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
o Homer Simpson, The Simpsons, Season 4, 9F06: New Kid On The Block
Creed: "So, I'd like to set you up with my daughter." Jim: "Oh thanks, but I'm engaged to Pam." Creed: "I thought you were gay?" Jim: "Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?" Creed: "I don't know."
Mac: Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!
Mac: Yeah man, she got naked... she came on to me. I mean, that woman is straight crazy, but I think I wanna bang her, man. I know I shouldn't do it...
Charlie: I think you should do it!
Charlie: Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime right?
Charlie: And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.
Mac: Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But... it's Dennis' and Dee's Mom...
Charlie: Well that means that no one ever ever is going to find out.
Mac: That doesn't make any sense...
Charlie: It doesn't have to make sense!
Mac: You're right! I'm gonna do it!
Janitor: This here's our new flagpole. Why don't you show old glory a little respect and snap off a salute?
J.D.: There's no flag up there.
Janitor: We're at war, my friend. All American flags are on backorder. What do you want me to do in the meantime? Run a pirate flag up there? Maybe turn the whole building into a pirate ship? I could put a captain's wheel up on the roof. Catch a parrot somehow, slap on an eye patch, go to work with a caulk gun, seal her up, make her watertight. I could take her out to sea.
J.D.: Are you insane?
Janitor: No. I'm a pirate.
Hey sport, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? Bob Kelso, how ya doin'?
Andy Bernard: "When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was Puke. I would chug a fifth of So Co, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people's empties, some brewskies, some Jell-o shots, do some body shots off myself... Pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more So Co, head to class. Probably would've got expelled if I had've let it affect my grades but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B's. They called me Buzz."
Dwight Schrute: "What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No. I go for the chandelier; it's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I love the cold. Thirty years later I get a postcard. I have a son. And he's the Chief of Police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years. She's never taken another lover. I don't care. I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier."